Poetry

Dilemma

What should I do?

This question has been bothering me since a month now. I feel that I have met someone whom I really like but I am unsure of what to do as he already has that position staffed.

The reason why this dilemma is coming on this blog is to document the reason for reaching a conclusion.

I feel that I love him. He says he loves me. But he says he loves her as well. Yes, as tricky as it sounds, this is the reality as it is put forward by him. Do I still be with him? Do I leave him? I don’t have an issue in walking away but this time I feel the trade off for confining to the rules isn’t worth it. I know he loves me. And he cares about his promises that he made to her. People could argue that this is impossible but the truth is that I love him, trust him. If he cares about her, should I not care about what he cares for? Their pictures and love is all over Facebook, like everywhere. On every post of his, picture of his, post of her, picture of her. Their lives are entwined. And me? As always, God loves to have me play God, right?

Now although he says that he loves her, he also says that there are a few things that he doesn’t appreciate in her, which is why he doesn’t think they are compatible. When I think about him, I feel that he is stupid. If he feels that they are incompatible, why doesn’t he choose to end it because the more she tries, the more she will be hurt in the end. He doesn’t believe in the concept of lying or cheating, as much as he believes in the concept of making her happy. Yes, he wants to give her a fair chance to make good anything wrong that she has possibly done in the past. To judge the fairness of this statement is definitely not possible, because if he makes her revel, that is any which way the ultimate for this perishable little entity, that we are. He says he is poly-amorous. We all are poly-amorous, we love our parents, brothers, sisters, dogs, trees but then why just one lover? Maybe because it takes a lot to be always there for that one person. The question is also whether this always being there is needed or not. For some this idea of being there for multiple people is devastating but shouldn’t the philosophy of more the merrier be applied here. People are a product of their own conditioning. I cannot challenge his value system and at the same time, I don’t have to adopt it, so I let him be with his thoughts. I don’t know if I want to adopt his ideology but what I currently feel is, I don’t want anyone other than him. Maybe because I don’t have him or because it is true love, as they say. But it’s not my prerogative to decide. The ball is not in my court.

My feelings are simple. I want him. I love him. I think!

But hey, what about that little girl?! I am being so selfish talking about just me and him. Let’s see where this girl is at this point. Through her Facebook, each and every person in her friend list knows that she is committed. If he breaks up, just guess how many people will she have to answer? She doesn’t have one parent. All her well wishers already were skeptical when they started seeing each other. They thought he’d leave her. She must have fought a thousand battles to get him in her life. And now, what will she answer? Too much at stake, right?

What is at stake for me? The person whom I love. But wait, have I not been with people already? Did I not love them? Yes, I did. So am I comparing? No. He is different. But she needs him more. Definitely more than I do. I was in love, this beautiful thing has filled me up, for this one month. It was nothing but serene, just like the perfect weather for me to bloom. When I saw him look at me, I smiled like I had seen my first crush adoring me. When I was close to him, I felt that life has given me everything that it possibly could. Should I be greedy to have it forever? If it requires stealing someone else’s joy, I don’t think so. Yes, I didn’t want to walk away because I thought he was perfect for me. The way we held hands, I felt that his skin was my own. He was home to me. But we cannot settle, right? We have to grow and move out. Some live at their homes for years, while some get to live there less than that. At least I saw how home looks like. And I would be giving home to someone else, where they both can be happy.

I love him, he loves her. I have to love her. I do love her.  And I hope, she continues being perfect for herself and for him. I hope she transcends her own limitations. And make him happy. And make me happy.

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